Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Declassified: As Above, So Below

Good morning, Ruineers! We're coming back to the OSS Simple Sabotage Field Manual for more tips and tricks on destroying your life and ruining your company.

Today's Tip: As Above, So Below

The chain of command, when properly used, can be just that - a chain of links choking the life out of an organization (or else keeping it shackled in place). But whether you're the top man on the totem pole or a simple squaw, it's your job to tug that chain around the company's neck and pull, pull pull!

Let's start with paperwork - memos and documents can be your worst enemy when they're out spreading information, but with a little skill you can use them to prevent 90% of work from being done on time.

First, demand every request, no matter how simple, be put down into writing before you'll do it. Have people fill out forms for every job they ask you to do - to make sure they have "used proper channels." Refuse to move forward until a mountain of paperwork is completed and approved by three different departments. The more the merrier!

Now that you have a mountain of information, it's time to find something wrong with it. Look for unclear language (or at least, language you can pretend to misunderstand) and write long letters and emails asking for precise clarification.

Why? Because you must never turn in a job on time, whether it's turning in a proposal, shipping an order to a customer or purchasing raw materials from a supplier. Give other people as little time to respond to your demands as possible and then blame them when it all goes South.

And remember, this isn't just about your job. If some busybody needs information from you to do their job, it's time to stall. First, ignore their request. When they remind you, pretend you lost the request (better yet, really lose it). Next, demand more information on why they need this "sensitive information."

For you boys on the factory floor, insist that you need the most expensive, high-quality materials to do simple jobs and warn of dire consequences if the wrong material is used. This gives you an excuse to delay ordering materials! Once a product is finished, insist that it's not perfect enough for your organization's high standards - even the smallest imperfection can be used to delay shipping a finished product.

Now let's talk a little about training and staffing. Even Joe Blow on the street knows better than to train new employees well - after all, they may be competiting with you for a job some day! But have you thought about actively mistraining them? Try giving them contradictory demands - for example "Quality is the most important thing" and "Meeting our schedule is the most important thing." With a little luck, they'll start ignoring big mistakes while shutting the line down for minor ones!

Speaking of which, an untrained, unskilled employee is the perfect choice for important jobs. How else are they supposed to build experience? Heck, make sure that the least competent, most unpleasant people are promoted first.

With these simple tips, line meant to move information from one person to another can instead strangle the organization to the ground. But remember, unlike every other job in the company, killing all forward momentum is your responsibility!

That's all for now, Ruineers. Remember, a noose is only as strong as the knotted, tangled rope at the top!

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